ibpatti32's Cancer Blog
October 9, 2008
| My thoughts as the 14 year date of diagnosis is approaching. | Views: 107 |
I enjoyed spending time with Laura so much and her puppy. It made me realize how much company she is for her & it really got me thinking once again about my desire to get another dog. ( We lost our beloved dog of 19 yrs and I haven’t been able to make that obligation or to be able to open that part of my heart up again for we truly did loose a family member with Muffy. When this dog came up and she was 14 weeks old for it just seemed so right But, as fate would have it, I was at the right place at the right time and found my new little girl, Maggie Mae which is now 16 weeks old. She is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel which was just perfect for I had just been reading on this breed and she will stay under 10# and though I have already fallen for her. I have had her for just 2 weeks (which is very important since I had the fx. vertebras after a bone marrow biopsy) I am posting pics of Laura with her little gal, Lucy, pics of Laura & myself, and of course, Maggie.
My best wishes to everyone and would love to hear from anyone that is up to it. I draw so much strength from each and every member’s posts that I never miss reading. I do keep each and every one of you in my evening prayers, Though, I am sure some might disagree but after my oncologist told me that I should get my “affairs together”, that he wasn’t quite sure if he could get me through this rough time,though he was fighting this around the clock and in my room several times a day. THIS IS MY TRUE THOUGHTS THAT THOUGH I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN GOD, I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, I LITERALLY HAD ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE AND AT TIMES WHEN I HEAR OF SOMEONE HALF MY AGE THAT LOST THEIR BATTLE, I HAVE A VERY DIFFICULT TIME WITH IT, I TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD LEFT ME HERE FOR A REASON. HOW DO I MAKE MYSELF WORTHY? DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE? I WANT TO ALWAYS BE WORTHY AND TRY TO DO AS MUCH GOODNESS AS I POSSIBLY CAN WHILE ON THIS EARTH. I FEEL I DID HAVE THE STATE OF THE ART MEDICINE,AN OUT OF THIS WORLD ONCOLOGIST, DR. PETER WEISS AND ALONG WITH THAT GOD WAS WATCHING OVER ME, I FEEL AS THOUHGH I GOT A MIRACLE. THIS MAY SOUND CORNY TO SOME BUT IT’S TRULY THE WAY THAT I FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE….........
I DO WISH THAT I COULD HAVE ALL THREE OF MY CHILDREN AROUND THE DINNER TABLE OVER THE HOLIDAYS, THEN MY LIFE WOULD INDEED BE PERFECT. IF YOU ARE A MOM, AND THOUGH LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME MY 2 YOUNGEST WERE LIVING BACK AT HOME AFTER 3 YEARS AT SCHOOL AND THE MILITARY, I JUST LOVED ALL OF THE NOISE,THE FAMILY DINNERS, I NO LONGER HAD ANY LONELY NIGHTS AND IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT THE MIND IS VERY POWERFUL FOR THE THOUGHTS THAT I HAVE HAD AT TIMES OF (EXAMPLE: always wondering what my kids were doing, did laura get that spot out of her carpet,are they taking their vitamins just those little things…... AN EMPTY NEST IS DIFFICULT. IF I WERE MARRIED PERHAPS IT WOULD BE EASIER. WHO KNOWS? I’M NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND AND WONDER ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I HAVE NO CONTOL OVER. IF I DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO CHANGE SOMETHING THEN I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW IT TO CONTROL ME EVER AGAIN.
If I would have allowed the DOC that told me to go home, enjoy my children that my leukemia is always fatal and at best I might get 3-5 years though probably less with their prognosis.( I DIDN’T FEEL AS THOUGH HE HAD THE RIGHT TO BREAK MY SPIRIT, TO TELL ME THAT THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME, TO ENJOY MY CHILDREN NOW. THOUGH, I WAS IN TOO MUCH SHOCK TO SAY WHAT I LATER THOUGHT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLD. I’ve thought at times that I should look him up and ask him if he remembers me, for he brought a priest in my room when I was given this news.To all of the parents that will read this and I don’t want to single out Mothers for I know there are Fathers that are just as dedicated as many Moms, unfortunately I just wasn’t married to one, But, that’s ancient history. THE THOUGHT OF MY CHILDREN GROWING UP WITHOUT A MOM WAS MORE THAN I COULD TAKE, AND I DO THINK IT WOULD BE ANY PARENTS NIGHTMARE. THEY WERE 8, 10 & 15 YEARS OF AGE…...Now, thankfully my children are 22, 24, & 29 years of age. The empty nest is difficult for I loved being a “hands on Mom”, and for them to be so busy though I feel as though I must have done something really right to have 3 very independent, educated, and wonderful young adult children. What can I say, I just love hearing that word,”MOM”....... So, now I do have my little doggie for I love all animals though realistically a small dog is about all I could handle. So, now Lucy has a cousin. My prayers go out to each and every one of you. Be Happy, Be Well, Patty
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My thoughts as the 14 year date of diagnosis is approaching., 
6 comments)
Thanks for your support -
Hi Patti; Some how I haven’t seen the pictures yet. Perhaps they are on their way. You really got a pup? How amazing is that! I thank you so much for being the bright spirit and just living life as if tomorrow is just what it is; The best day to look forward. I always love reading your posts because you are honest, compassionate, descriptive and just like a MOM, a SISTER, a FRIEND and a SURVIVOR of the most extreme circumstances. It makes me feel like I just want to be in your mind, your soul, to get wisdom and experience for what lies ahead.
matter the cost. I love that about you. I will always read what you say and try to live more IN THE MOMENT than I have been doing or did in the past. You might as well take a bow right now, for there is no time like the present to be honoured. Mom, friend, and blogger for BFAC!
Weezie
Weezie,
You are such a sweetie and one in a million…..
Patty
Wow! That is an incredible post! I’m trying to hold back the tears. I also wonder what God has in store for me. Why have I made it through when so many others have not? I’m so happy for you and your family. I’m very happy that you did NOT listen to that first doctor!
I can’t wait to see pics of your Maggie Mae! I love cavaliers! I know she will be such a joy for you.
XOXOYes, only a mother can understand how it breaks your heart to be told that you have cancer when you have children still in school. My twin girls were 17 and my son was 29. My cancer made it a very hard time for the girls during their junior and senior year in high school. My first cancer diagnois was January 14, 1994. I see yours was October 12, 1994…only 9 months later. We both are blessed to still be here 14 years later. The sad part for me was that I had to bury my son at the age of 39 and that felt like it was going to kill me. I would have gladly died in his place if I could have. He was always so worried about me.
I am so happy that you have another dog. I know how you feel. I loved my Boston Terrier, Trixie, like I did my children and grandchildren. Her birthday was October 19. She was 12 1/2 when she died in May 2006.
I feel so UNWORTHY so much of the time but as you said I guess God has something more for me to do. I pray each day that God will help me to be some good to someone each day.
My eyes are about the same…no better but no worse. I haven’t felt well for the last week. I have had an upset tummy and my back is hurting more than normal.
Thanks for being my friend. Take care and may God Bless you and your family.
Love you always,
Joyce In NC
Patty,
You are a very strong person. I keep on going beyond all doctors best guess of how much time I had left. Some gave up on me over 3 years ago, my most optimistic doctor gave me until last October (my daughters wedding) She just celebrated her 1 year anniversary.
I just keep traveling and enjoying life as much as possible.
Donna
Thanks for your amazingly kind comment. I wish there was something that I could do to help you at. I was in FL in Sept in St. Petersburg. I don’t know how far you are away from St. Pete, but I would still enjoy meeting you. You have overcome so much and I feel the best gift you can give yourslf, is to first take the very best care of your body ( no matter what the Doc’s tell you), find the best ONC available, which I did and I love him so much and have so much respect for that man. Then, I guess when GOD is ready for you, then it is our time to go to be with our other family members. But, until then I am doing whatever I can to beat this thing1! How are you doing after all of your travels? XOXO,Patty